Often I watch people make mistakes, not warning them of a simple alteration to their plan that could prevent a whole cycle of correction. I don't do this out of spite or malice, but from the first hand experience that often people would rather fail in solitude than succeed under the control of a third party… and a gradual development of a complex about being the ‘smart guy’. Fittingly enough, my own instincts (particularly structured learning) can lead me in that direction.
I’ve been feeling as if I am summiting some kind of short cut and merging back into life after some kind of hermetic hiatus for the past few weeks(the feeling, not the hiatus). It’s a sort of fitful anxiousness that precedes a creative outburst and a wake of focused energy. My whole life has seemed a tidal motion… new beaches comprised of the same components, alternating positive, then negative, parallel to a shore that I’m sure I’ll land on at any moment. This is, of course, a fabrication… life is more or less static outside of birth and death… but my mind needs action.
Sometimes I think I’m being karmically contorted into a place where I can’t want more and have to focus on refinement and control, though I’m so unmanageable… who knows if that’s even reasonable. And to take that further: the social superboy that emerges by necessity at conventions and tradeshows kind of scares me. I don’t really like type A people and was pretty sure I could never be like that, but the less I care in those situations… the more attention I receive. Like I was officially branded ‘maverick programmer’ in the program, which excuses my behavior, dress and attitude.
So I’ll just keep blogging to prove I’m an idiot.