So I’ve been asked lately about my name, as no one believes it’s real: Abbey Hawk Sparrow… but the first years don’t seem so real themselves… Apparently my particular configuration of folded proteins absorb memories more abstractly than most, as I am able to recall clearly early events in my life, from the time I was early as 2, which is handy given that was my allotted parental time. So yes, it’s real… yes it’s on my birth certificate.
But then, the plot thickens: Being a scrawny outsider socially, and an up and comer within the Jehovah’s Witness congregation, with a father who had quite an errr…. infamous reputation and living with my grandparents I didn’t exactly fit anywhere. As an aside, I would just like to note, how insane it is to put a child that young in an environment of manipulative debate, as not only is it impossible to do anything beyond *mimick* conviction, but it also exposes them to the malleability of logical construction and factual analysis, leading me down my current road of generalized skepticism. So there I was suited up in my god gear, but a moniker like ‘abbey hawk’ just couldn’t fit the bill, so I was encouraged by my grandparents to become ‘andrew hawkins’ as it had a much more dignified air. A name that could be pronounced without the shame of remembering the fallen son.
That’s how, for 7 years (6th grade through 12th) I had to endure a name I never wanted and why I still am Andrew for legal purposes. Someday, when it’s convenient, I’ll get it changed back officially. But for now, it’s good enough that I simply use it.
Often I watch people make mistakes, not warning them of a simple alteration to their plan that could prevent a whole cycle of correction. I don&#39;t do this out of spite or malice, but from the first hand experience that often people would rather fail in solitude than succeed under the control of a third party… and a gradual development of a complex about being the ‘smart guy’. Fittingly enough, my own instincts (particularly structured learning) can lead me in that direction.
I’ve been feeling as if I am summiting some kind of short cut and merging back into life after some kind of hermetic hiatus for the past few weeks(the feeling, not the hiatus). It’s a sort of fitful anxiousness that precedes a creative outburst and a wake of focused energy. My whole life has seemed a tidal motion… new beaches comprised of the same components, alternating positive, then negative, parallel to a shore that I’m sure I’ll land on at any moment. This is, of course, a fabrication… life is more or less static outside of birth and death… but my mind needs action.
Sometimes I think I’m being karmically contorted into a place where I can’t want more and have to focus on refinement and control, though I’m so unmanageable… who knows if that’s even reasonable. And to take that further: the social superboy that emerges by necessity at conventions and tradeshows kind of scares me. I don’t really like type A people and was pretty sure I could never be like that, but the less I care in those situations… the more attention I receive. Like I was officially branded ‘maverick programmer’ in the program, which excuses my behavior, dress and attitude.
So I’ll just keep blogging to prove I’m an idiot.
Sometimes I feel like I am people’s safety, always at the ready to push the button to keep the ship on course. It’s funny, like any role, I resent it not for the things it associates me with, but rather, the attitudes it divorces me from.
I’m a navigator, cast-off when in sight of shore, left to my own guile. But then again, I guess if I want to not constantly be at the center of any number of problems, I should stop fixing them. So I have just a touch of ambient frustration at fate unwavering assault on my dynastic ambitions.
To appease this slightly, fate dealt me a pretty good hand last night, as Tonya said we had a date and that it was ‘a suprise’. So we head downtown, round the corner to SCAD’s Trustee’s theatre and I’m standing at the entrance to a They Might Be Giants show. They did a 2 part show that was excellent, in addition to playing all the songs I know by them, they have a very comedic stage presence which makes the segues work well, and they aren’t afraid to alter perennial classics or skewer a song that they are obligated to perform.
I missed TMBG when Hurricane Floyd almost hit and they evacuated us, Tonya and I even still have the tickets… so now they finally made it and, to offset the difference they played a great show, with 2 encores…
It was worth the wait 😀
Perhaps a feint, but only in my own mind.
So, I’ve been a little worn out to come up with a clever topic so I can neuter my own need for change. I’ve had quite a talent for meeting people lately though, which leads me to wonder: Aren’t the things we do to elevate ourselves and our loved ones the very thing that distances us from them?
I went to Vegas for the ETA tradeshow (which was brutal in and of itself, something like 32 total hours in the airport), which… if you haven’t been is a rather odd place, even though superficially it’s all a facade, people experience so much goodwill and attention there it’s a natural magnet for human interaction. While my juvenile self would have had none of it, I not only enjoy the atmosphere, but the intellectual grasping frenzy which goes along with it.
At some point I’m going to need to sleep more, perhaps I’ll write more then.
You know there was a time websites could be built that weren’t some plot to acquire VC funding or testbed a new technology for acquisition by a service delivery giant, or even an adjunct to some politically or financially motivated public service. People with passion connecting with others who shared the similar passions. The web is dead, as it has long been… now it simply exists as a multi-platform display interface which neutered the more controversial (not to mention forward thinking) aspects of Ted Nelson’s hypertext opus. Sure, there are more websites than ever before, conglomerating and centralizing in a Wall street organized orgy of acquisitions, however as with ‘blockbuster’ movies and music, the formulas are all regimented, cataloged and indexed.
There is no trail to blaze, or more accurately, there is enough noise to effectively kill any legitimate user base a site may have as well as the ability of centralized linking to crush a site’s ability to deliver targeted information by suddenly hitting a niche server with a centralized channel of viewers and the following ripple of aggregators.
As a result I am starting to think of a scheme which allowed entry only through the main portal and allow direct reference only through sites which register track-back. No more winding hyperlink user trails… it gives a maximum depth to the level an inquiry which began outside your site can drill into your content. I think that Vannevar’s original idea of Hypertext trails took as a precondition an archival reverence today’s bloggers are incapable of having on such a scale and also relied on Ted Nelson’s idea of trivial ownership. With the web having neither of these facilities, and blogging trying to rekindle this personal fascination with content creation, now is the time that the signal-to-noise ratio both in niche site creation and blogging can be corrected.
Unfortunately this is something that will have to be incorporated by blogging engine creators other than myself, so more than likely we will see increasing trends toward centralization and away from the decentralized structure it was designed to be. The superhighway may get me to my destination faster, but the scenery was nicer on main street.
The Savannah streets are brimming with tourists, jockeying for 3-5 days of hedonism on the coast before the return to the normalized complacency of a scheduled lifestyle. The wafting urine scent filters out of the alley as I drive around in the throngs of people flocking… grouping and diverging, with a sort of frenzied need to ‘throw down’. A militant celebration.
While I usually do end up having fun on St. Patrick’s Day, the build-up is kind of ominous. Maybe it’s a survival trait or a throwback to some negative experience from my infancy, but large groups milling about (moving at varying rates in random directions) unnerves me. I have always felt that most random violence (whether gang, riot, war, etc.) occurs in this setting, so a fair dose of apprehension may be healthy.
Also, any event like this now has a built-in security component that stretches beyond police… and too much of that in your city is always a bad thing, so hopefully both personel and monitoring levels will be down afterwards which is good for everyone involved. Were it not for the revenue spikes I’m sure gatherings would be discouraged by the powers that be. Most people will spend less-wisely on the road for ease, and that will inevitably be exploited.
Thankfully, by the time the drinking starts tomorrow it will evaporate and by Sunday I probably won’t even recall the eireeness of it all. Cheers.
So, I went to Vegas and now everything is excellent. Our booth was a big success and people were very interested in the software. This is really exciting, because it will mean the company expands faster, meaning we can get more done faster. This news is so awesome and everything surrounding it means so much work for me, I couldn’t care less about all that game stuff. It’s liberating.
Anyway, Vegas is a really cool city… while it’s fake, as I thought… the locals are really cool. It was awesome. Life is good.
So I talked to the guys who pulled a fast one one me with remaking my plug. They seem to be under the impression that deception isn’t quite ‘lying’ and thus, is something they can live with.
I’m not even sure what to think about it all. I mean, it’s not like I was killing myself to get it done, but then again… I wasn’t aware there was a deadline. They have every right to be assholes, it just sucks that people associated with Flying Flip always seem to come back into my life to wreak some kind of havoc with whatever my current project seems to be.
Anyway, I’m trying to put it out of my mind so I don’t take it out on people around me. I have enough BS to deal with come monday, so this is just going to have to deal.
yay for wrenches!
Sometimes there are days in your life where your step is light your mind is sharp and given any situation the outcome leans in your favor. Then juxtaposed to that there are days that make you approve of our lemming like run off of sustainability… leading, ultimately, to an final collapse of civilization.
So… I’ve always considered myself a pretty uncompromising guy, but somehow I’ve slid into a job where I get paid a very little, work long hours (including at home), have bosses who are unwilling to understand the software they own. I haven’t had time for any of my independent projects for over a month. I get no medical, no benefits, and yet I’m rolling out as Director of Development to Vegas monday. For a week. Sleeping on a fucking couch. Trying to cover up my bosses BS. Fun.
Which leads me to excellent event that totally fucks my day #2: My WWIIi mod has been copied by 2 guys who were working with me at one point (one who was continuing to lead me on (the other, who didn’t contribute, but I was being nice to)) and another guy who’s cozied up to me in the last month (now I know why). 2 of them lied point-blank to me when I asked about it. the most ridiculous thing is this game is played by maybe 30 people, what is the point of lying to get the jump on someone when there’s no payoff?
Then I was going to chat with someone about it who’s been putting me off for a few days and they are like ‘brb’ and gone for 3 hours while I get IMs from people who think my plug-in is about to be released, and I get to explain that not only is it not mine, but it was a product of a pyramid of deception.
I should’ve just gone to sleep after I got home from work, I think. suck.
Well, work today was an exercise in frustration. I spent all day with the guy I code with, trying to figure out a bug in the manifest (like a lookup that tells my program how to launch) file format. All day we hit error after error, then in the middle of the day I find out we have about a day and a half’s worth of extra stuff to do before friday, so I’m going to be working furiously through the next few days. Sweet. To top it off, I came home, started over on the problem and had it fixed in a very short amount of time. I’m finding it harder and harder to reconcile the fact I don’t get paid for my most productive work.
So, after the upcoming conference (I’m leaving Monday) I get to work on the next milestone, which means I’m working on code that will be common both to what I do at work, as well as what I do at home so that I will make huge advances in my free-time projects. Of course, I’ve been told that so many times, I’ve become cynical 😛
Even so, I’m still going to have to narrow my focus to just a couple of projects, which means a lot of my goals will have to wait. I’m kind of taking a gamble with my P2P sharing system (since our representatives are trying their best to prevent that sort of thing), but I just can’t afford to make it a priority right now. Oh well.